APRIL 5, 1996 GAY PEOPle's ChroNICLE 27

BIG TIPS

My sweetie must return to Spain, and I don't speak Spanish

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Hi all! I passed some sort of dubious milestone last night: I played my 5,000th game of computer solitaire. Perhaps you are nonplused, but please know that this is only on my computer (which has kept said tally), that I've only had for a year, and it's in black and white. A blinding, dizzying succession of tiny gray hearts and diamonds, barely discernable from their black comrades, never mind each other. Good lord, that means I've listened to that cheesy little “Entertainer" theme 5,000 times. I think I need to go to some sort of Life Goals workshop.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm a loyal female reader of your advice, which I always find insightful [Thanks! M.T.M.]. I only hope you have some insight left for me.

My life has taken a turn since last fall, when I met a woman from Spain who attends a large local university with me. We fell in love, and into bed, in that order. My previous encounters with women had consisted of sex first and talking later (if ever), but my relationship with my current lover started with trust, added love, and then threw in magical lovemaking. We are presently entrenched as a couple. We don't live together, but we wake up together more often than not, and make all our life decisions together.

That leads me to my problem. My sweetheart is obliged to return to Spain in June because her employer paid for her education here. There's no way she can get out of it. My girl has asked me to go to Spain with her so we can set up a household. I'd love to set up house with her, but there are several obstacles.

1) It would disrupt my plans. I'm close to graduating, and I couldn't go to school in

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Spain because I don't speak the language. 2) I don't speak the language, so I'd feel isolated when my lover was working.

3) My lover has come out here, but is in the closet to everyone at home. She plans on being out at home, but expects to face a lot of hostility from her conservative family. I don't know how I could handle hostility (probably all directed at me) in a strange environment.

Tipper, I'd gladly sacrifice being near my family and friends to be with my partner. However, I'm afraid the other circumstances would be too much to bear. I'd like to propose a trial run this summer with no firm obligations beyond that, but I'm afraid that would be a weak pledge to someone I'd like as a life partner. What would you do?

Dear Be Prepared,

Scared

Okay, here's what I'd do. Your trial trip this summer is a great idea, and can lay the groundwork for Plan A. First of all, learn Spanish ASAP. Your fluency will facilitate everything: your comfort in Spain, your employability there, your ability to communicate with her family. Plus, you'll be able to understand some of the effort your sweetie went through to adapt to livin' in English. If you're in Spain for three or four months this summer, that's the perfect opportunity to take an immersion language class.

Here's the second part of The Plan. Come back in the fall and finish school. Having a little time to miss the girlfriend is okay. You can write steamy letters and make expensive phone calls. Her job is to come out to her family while you're still here. They will have gotten to know you over the summer, and now they'll have a little time to get used to the idea and hash it out with their kid, without you to glare at.

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Meanwhile, you figure out how to be employable in Spain. If you aren't working, you'll be depressed and isolated. Check your university's employment/internship office: they should have some resources.

You may be tortured by the decisions you have to make, but you're lucky. This is the perfect time of your life for an adventure: no dependants, almost finished with college, a sweetie... Of course, there are some factors that are up in the air. How long is her committment to her job? Does she want to settle permanently in Spain? If you'll need to become a citizen to stay, that may only be possible through marriage to a man, in which case, your being out as a lesbian couple could be detrimental. Fortunately, you'll have all summer to talk about it. ¡Buena suerte! Dear Tip,

Please, please, please, please, please help. Tell me I'm not the only gay man who finds the idea of anal sex offputting. I'm even a little queasy about sucking a penis, but that doesn't hurt, and I've come to deal with it. I love men and am very attracted to them. I love their chest hair, and their voices, and dancing with them, but I get a little scared and disgusted when it comes to contact with my actual anus, or theirs. Do you think this means I'm meant to be celibate?

Dear Eat The Hole Thing,

Nauseous

I'm sure there are gay men who never have anal sex, just like there are heterosexual couples who never have intercourse, but the number is pretty darn low, because most men get sexual satisfaction from putting their penis somewhere warm and squeezy. You don't have to do something you find revolt-

ing, but you'll probably find it difficult finding a lover (or date) who will be happy with dancing and tentative blow jobs.

Now, once again I'd like to emphasize that celibacy is a positive choice some people actively make to clear more room for other parts of their life, or because sex is genuinely unimportant to them.

It sounds like you're making an effort to have sex: if it's not purely submission to peer pressure and you really wanna do it, I bet we can find some ways for it to be way more fun and sexy. Here goes: 1. Buttholes have a bad rap. Just like pussies, because they aren't flapping in the breeze, and they're harder to look at, they seem a little mysterious. Get a hand mirror and check yours out. Cute, eh? 2. Yeah, poop comes out of it. So take a bath. Do an enema. Get your prospective partner to do the same. Snot comes out of noses, and we kiss them all the time. 3. Anal sex does not have to hurt (at least not in a bad way). Learn about your butt on your own time, and see what feels nice. Do it after a bath when you're feeling relaxed and squeaky clean, if that's a comfortable time for you. 4. Pick up a copy of Anal Pleasure and Health, by Jack Morin. 5. There's a lot of emphasis in the gay male community on looking young and “handsome," but here's the dreamy part: there's no beauty standard for a butthole. They're pretty universal.

It'll be okay. Touch your own body until you feel comfortable, then go out and work that magic on others. Good luck. ✓

Send your questions on life, love, and computerized Scott Joplin music to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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